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Tuesday, 04 September 2007

  • It isn't easy being Green.

    I'm 22 years old.  I have a perfect fiance.  I have a wonderful dog.  I'm about to have a killer wedding.  I'm ambitious.  I have a great job.  I want for little.  Life is pretty freakin' awesome.

    I spent last night talking with a friend for two hours after work (said friend will remain nameless).  Friend and I exchanged stories of work, relationships, travels to exotic places, best jobs, worst jobs, and so on and so forth.  In the midst of these stories, Friend brought up a recurring theme:  the grass is always greener on the other side.  So it got me thinking.

    Previous posts have referenced such a school of thought many a time.  I'm a dreamer.  I am constantly thinking about what I could be doing, or what I will be doing, or what I have done.  I am always trying to reform these ways because, albeit dreaming has its place and time, it just isn't healthy or smart to think of all the ways your life could have ended up, or may end up in the future.  But, then, that being said, at what point does goal-setting and goal-striving and ambition turn against you?  What do you have to give up to make your dreams come true?

    Six years ago, if you'd told me I'd be preparing to apply for law schools in 2007, I'd have told you to go take your Haldol.  But I chose to give up my dream of being on Broadway because I knew it wasn't conducive to having successful marriages and families.  I wouldn't go back and change my decision, but as I think of my friend Nick who is living the dream in London, it makes my heart ache wondering if I could have really done it.  I could be living abroad doing what I love.  But how can I compare "what I love" with who I love?  I could never trade Carter for a profession.  But what if the profession I've chosen isn't enough to make me happy?  Could I still do what it is I think I could do well and enjoy?  Could I have my grass and eat it too?

    I guess there's no way to ever tell unless maybe you're faced with the possibility down the road.  Friend explained about perfectly good relationships lost chasing ambition, but now that the dream is being lived, our Friend is alone in his success, with no one to share in it.  I suppose all we can hope for is a fabulous job that allows a fabulous relationship, or a fabulous relationship that endures a fabulous job.  Either way, I think my grass just got a little greener.

Monday, 06 August 2007

  • 3.0 is the loneliest number...

    I quote my earlier entry:

    "Trying to graduate is exhausting."

    In a week that should be full of excitement, anticipation, and hope, mine is... lacking.  To say the least.

    On Friday, I found out what might be the worst news I've heard in a long time.  May as well just fill you in on the whole story.

    I checked my degree audit Friday, around noon, as any good degree candidate should.  I noticed they still hadn't credited my English CLEP test yet, in spite knowing I received a passing score.  After contacting the usual suspects (advisors, admissions office), I was informed I would have to go to the source:  Measurement and Resource Services (MARS).  The conversation went as follows:

    MARS:  Good morning, measurement and research, how can I help you?
    Me:  Hi, I was supposed to get credit for a CLEP test I took a few weeks ago, and I checked my degree audit and the credit still isn't there.  I'm supposed to graduate on Friday and I want to make sure everything works okay.  Can you fix it for me?
    MARS:  Well let's see...  name?
    Me:  Rachel Carver.
    MARS:  UIN?
    Me:  612-00-4323.
    MARS:  Oh, I see... well that explains it!  The credit isn't showing because you didn't pass the essay portion of the exam!  Have a nice day!
    Me:  WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT -

     

     

    What?!
    MARS:  You - didn't - pass - the - essay.  It's that simple!  Have a nice day!
    Me:  ---------  (MARS lady has long since hung up) --------- HOW CAN I HAVE NOT PASSED THE ESSAY PORTION?!?!?!?!?!?!?

    Three hours.  I stared at the degree audit for what felt like a lifetime.  Three hours.  Maybe if I stare at it long enough it will be fixed.  Three hours.  Three stupid, lousy, retarded hours.

    I automatically compounded the hurt factor of the situation by hovering over the fact that only idiots fail the essay portion of a test.  Essays are what I do.  Didn't that dumb MARS bitch know that writing is what I DO?!  I wanted to submit a writing resume to prove the fact that making coherent arguements is not only a hobby, it's an obsession.  Being creative and coy on paper is a sickness for which there is no cure.  She had to know.  She had to understand that I was a competent person and a good writer.  How could I have failed the essay!?!

    And then I started thinking about everything else.  Everyone knew I was graduating in August.  I already had checks coming in the mail.  I had a graduation party planned in Dallas that my dad was throwing for me.  My mom, grandma and aunt were coming to watch me walk.  I was singing the National Anthem at my commencement ceremony.  I had just bought fabulous graduation shoes.  That dumb MARS bitch had ruined my graduation shoes.  She may as well have thrown them under a train along with my future and my pride.  She's lucky I didn't go there in person or I would have choked that cheerful little voice right out of her skinny little throat and thrown her under the train with everything else.

    Don't anybody out there waste your time and breath telling me that it's fine and that three hours isn't a big deal and that it isn't a huge travesty.  I understand that.  You need not bother with the formality of putting it all out there.  I know that there may even be some good that will come out of the situation.  I don't want to hear it.  At the  moment, I am going to revel in my dispair and be bitter.  I knew I jinxed myself because that same day I had changed myself to "alumnus" status on facebook.  Serves me bloody right.

    There is a little bit of good news.  I found out that my name is printed in the program, so I'll still get to walk.  I will also still be able to sing at my commencement.  It will be bittersweet knowing that I'll have to go to class two days a week for one more semester, but I'll manage.  I'm still operating under the understanding that this is my graduation week and I'm going to make the best of it.  But in spite of the joy and the champagne and the fabulous shoes, there will be one thing on my mind:

     

    "3.0 hours of English remaining."

Monday, 11 June 2007

  • And when I get where I'm going...

    Trying to graduate is exhausting.

    I found out yesterday that I have to apply for graduation by July 7.  That means I have to CLEP out of 6 hours in the next two weeks, all while trying to pass the last two weeks of biology.  So, $180 later, I registered for my CLEP tests and got the study guides for them.  Have I mentioned that I officially have no money?  So I'm applying for a personal loan.  $1000 more to have to worry about paying off immediately.  I already resent my education.

Sunday, 27 May 2007

  • Currently Listening
    Wicked (2003 Original Broadway Cast)
    By Stephen Schwartz, Kristin Chenoweth, Idina Menzel
    see related

    [Working Title]

    It took me twenty-two years, but I am finally realizing what it is to be an adult.  Granted, what I am now realizing is merely the tip of the iceberg; I have yet to experience children, a mid-life crisis, a mortgage, or trying to figure out how I'm going to put my kids through college, but for the first time in my "adult" life, I think I'm starting to get the hang of it.  Well, "hang" is a relative term.

    As I dangle now on the edge of "the real world", it feels different than I imagined.  When you're a little kid, you think of graduating college and finding your dream job, the person you're going to fall in love with and marry, and the perfect house in which to start the rest of your life.  For me, I guess one out of three ain't bad.  But when my sixth grade teacher had me write a paper over "how I see myself in ten years", my perfect little world had not included student loans, credit card limits, insurmountable piles of bills, and a dog that eats Louis Vuitton purses.

    I sense I should clarify some things.  I have, without a doubt, the most fantastic man in the whole world sleeping side by side with me every night, and waking up to tell me he loves me in the morning.  I have a near-flawless, colorless princess cut diamond on my left hand.  I have the most beautiful, floppy-eared, drool covered hound in the western hemisphere.  I have a house that I don't have to share with a roommate.  I have a car that is paid off.  I have two months of school left before I graduate from one of the top public universities in the United States.  I have friends who reign supreme.  I am, absolutely and unabashedly, happy.

    But come on - doesn't part of you wish that ten years ago at least ONE person would have told you - "Hey, kid, work your ass off in high school and college so you can have enough cash to get by.  Sometimes, working really hard for a good grade still won't pay off.  It doesn't matter what your major is, just do what you love and you'll find a job that can suit you.  And once you get out of college, life won't just fall in your lap - you'll have a lot to work through before "life" begins."

    I'm not sure if I would have wanted to hear that.  And maybe it wouldn't have made a difference.  Knowing myself, I would have thought, 'Ha, whatever, it might be like that for most people, but I'll be different.'  I often find I eat those words later.

    The moral of the story?  None to be found, I suppose.  Just the musings of a lost kid in the middle of the adult world.  I used to think twenty-two sounded so old.  So how come I still feel so little?

    When do you "figure it out"?

Tuesday, 20 February 2007

  • Two in two days? I know. My mind's a-scurry.

    With regards to my previos post, my day neither significantly improved nor got worse;  any good that was done (e.g., some random guy giving me props for "standing up for what I believe in", or getting to yell at some sad, ill-informed students in my criminology class that government sanctioned crime, however "necessary", is still wrong, etc.), was negated by other poorly 'navigated,' for lack of a better word, decisions I made (e.g., not watching what the hell I was doing, and rear-ending some poor, nice man, whilst driving Carter's truck).  So there's a conclusion to my Monday posting.

    So, here we are on Mardi Gras, or Fat Tuesday, as we in the English Speaking World refer to it, and I can't think of anything good to give up for Lent.

    [Background:  I was raised Baptist, with a little Presbyterian and Methodist on the side.  We here on the "light Protestant" side (as opposed to the "heavy Protestant" Episcopalians, etc.) are not obligated to observe the giving-up of anything for Lent, merely to note it as a time of advent in the coming of Christ's death on the cross... and a time to take your Catholic friends out to a steakhouse on Fridays and laugh.  However, as a woman who enjoys a little challenge, for the last several years, I have given up something that was truly a "vice" for me, just to see if I could do it with a little help from our old Friend.]

    Now, in the past, my "challenges" have usually concerned something I consumed.  I gave up coffee my freshman year, which proved impossible.  If coffee is the devil, I'm going straight to Hell.  I gave up caffeine my sophomore year, which proved likewise trying, but decaf coffee got me through alright, serving mostly as a placebo for the real stuff.  I gave up soft drinks all together last year, which was fine and now I hardly touch the stuff. And now this year, I don't know what to do.

    I could stick with drinks, but I can't give up alcohol because I'm a mere 24 beers away from finishing the beer tour and nothing can stop me now.  Besides, I have to taste wine at work, so it would affect my job.  I could do some kind of food, but I don't really eat anything that's bad for me.  I could give up tanning... but that's really my only "vice", and I'm really only doing it so I don't fry like a shrimp in Qatar. (Besides, I want to look hot for my birthday.)  I could give up television, but college AND professional basketball playoffs are coming up and I don't know how I can miss that and still live with myself.  I can't give up music.  Music is God's greatest gift to me, and he'd think I was a moron if I gave it up.  I could give up extraneous spending of money, but all I buy is food to live on and wine to survive on...  and tanning. [I SWEAR, tanning is my only real vice.  Give a girl somethin'.]

    So I was thinking I could add something for Lent, but I don't know what I'd do.  I could add church, of course, but I work 8 Sundays out of 10, so that would be relatively pointless.  I could add more studying, but I've been trying to do that for four years of college, and it's a little late to start now.

    I'm perplexed.  I feel like I'm making a bunch of excuses, but nothing seems worthy enough.  I want to do something great, something that might make a difference.  And I don't mean a difference that others will commend me for; don't get me wrong - I love a compliment as much as anyone else, but that's not why I want to do something great.  I want to do it for me, as a self-less act that I can feel proud of.  Something that will impact my life, shake me to the very core.

    Ideas?  Leave them as comments.  All are welcome.

    "Sacrifice is nothing other than the production of sacred things."
    --Georges Bataille

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